Dear Newsweek, My daughter's live-in boyfriend of two years has been accepted graciously into our family. We have taken him on trips and helped them out with setting up their home with major appliances etc, in order to make things easier on my daughter.
Three months ago, my husband and I hosted a long-planned anniversary party. While he volunteered to help with several things (we were hosting out-of-town guests as well) he did not follow through with anything, and I was left to scramble a bit. The night of the party, he drank way too much, and at the end of the evening, he became angry and verbally attacked me and two of my guests.
To this day no one knows what he was angry about. Every other word was the f-bomb and I ultimately told him it was time for him to leave. He stormed out, leaving my daughter stranded. She had no clue what had happened and went home in a Lyft. This was three months ago.
My daughter has texted me here and there but has made it clear, while she doesn't know what happened, she stands by him. As for myself, I am devastated that she has chosen to stay away from us.
We moved to be closer to her, at her request and encouragement, and now she won't have anything to do with us. We are heartbroken, but she is the reason we are here. While you can't choose who your children choose as a partner, I thought we had raised her to respect her parents, and herself [most] importantly.
I honestly don't think we could have this man-child back in our home. Are we wrong for standing our ground in thinking at the very least he should apologize? It has torn our family apart.
Candace, Unknown
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You Need An Apology From Him
Rabia Khara is a marriage and family therapist specializing in adults, couples, and families.
First, I want to acknowledge your hurt and pain through this experience. It must have been really hard for you to reconcile the fact that your daughter's live-in boyfriend did not show responsibility and respect, especially at an important event.
I empathize with your feelings of hurt over your daughter not sticking up for you and supporting you. I also empathize with you for having to contend with a situation where someone you trusted let you down. It is not clear how your daughter's boyfriend interacts with her at home, but I would look into the potential of his behavior being problematic and potentially unhealthy if heavy drinking and anger outbursts are involved.
He clearly owes you and your husband an apology for the reasons cited, but also for showing no regret for his behavior. Most importantly, your daughter and you need to have an open and heartfelt discussion about your concerns for her relationship with him, the hurt and pain that ensued, your expectations, and how best to resolve the situation knowing the significant emotional and financial contribution that you made to better their lives.
I hope that you and your husband are able to find closure after expressing or the very least emphasizing the egregiousness of the situation to your daughter and for the boyfriend to make amends if he intends to, in fact, remain part of the family.
Your Daughter Is Stuck In The Middle
Yasmine Saad is a licensed clinical psychologist, founder, and CEO of Madison Park Psychological Services.
Your welcoming stance towards your daughter's boyfriend shows your family values and the importance of closeness within your family. Your daughter seems to share the same values since she invited you to move closer.
My sense is that her boyfriend did not grow up with the same family-tight bonds. His behavior at the party suggests that he was overwhelmed and drank to regulate his emotions. To blow up the way he did, he must have harbored negative feelings. He is now keeping a distance, showing that closeness is not desired.
On your end, you are generous, extending your help and family to her boyfriend. On his end, he is likely experiencing the close family bonds as limiting or suffocating and filled with [the] responsibility to pay back, which seemed to have overwhelmed him and triggered negative emotions. Disinhibited by the alcohol, his negative emotions took over and he exploded. On your end, you are receiving a lot of anger and disrespect that is incomprehensible given the help you have given him. On his end, he is likely feeling controlled and needs distance.
Your daughter is in the middle and as she lives with him and has your value of standing by the one you love, she will risk less by standing by his side than by yours as you will always be her mother. Also, it is not clear if this is her boyfriend's only angry outburst but it sounds like she wants this relationship and believes some distance from her family will help.
It is very important on your end to not take this personally, as it is not that your daughter doesn't have respectful and close family values, it is that there is a danger of more emotional instability from her boyfriend if there is closeness between the two of you. Overall it is likely that your sense of family closeness is in contradiction with her boyfriend's need for independence. Your help makes him owe you and he likely feels constrained by this bond.
You are not wrong for asking for an apology. However, the fact that he did not attend to the tasks he volunteered to do and the way he drank shows avoidant behavior so he is not likely to confront what he did but rather avoid you and your family. By keeping a stance against him, it forces your daughter to take a stance for him. It is best if you can understand what happened as the boyfriend's inability to regulate his emotions. By giving them space, your daughter does not have to defend one party over another and she can decide for herself if this relationship is good for her. Your daughter is trying to establish a safe distance not out of disrespect but out of testing what works for her and [what] doesn't. This is a transition phase for her to figure out what works for her and her boyfriend. It is difficult but if you can trust who she is and the education you have given her and put aside the need for repair, it will be in the overall family's interest.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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